I’ve got to the stage where photo’s of self harm doesn’t trigger me anymore.

I guess this means I’m well on my way to recovery :D 

So happy and proud of myself right now <3

I miss you mumma so so much, I think about you every single day and I wish more than anything in the world you were still here.

Sometimes I want to go back in time and tell you how much you really meant to me, how much I loved you cuz now thinking back I never told you enough how grateful I was to have you as a mother.

The most precious memories I have were of me, Hannah and you cuddled up on the sofa saturday nights watching Blind Date, and we always compared you to Cilla Black, the times when you would tuck us up in bed and stroke our hair till we fell asleep while singing “Away In A Manger”, you had such an amazing voice but we never got the chance to tell you, and the silly nickmames you gave us :) you called Hannah “Pumpkin Pie” and you called me “Sguidgy Bum” I used to get so embarrased when you called out my nickname in the school playground and the kids would laugh, but now I miss hearing you calling me that name :’( in fact I miss everything about you.

Oh and times when Julie would baby sit me and Hannah or we would go to see her, Donna and Billy and just muck around =)

Everytime I hear “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve, I remember exactly what you were wearing, what you smelt like and the make up you wore. So everytime I think about you, I play that song and cry my heart out begging God to bring you back.

When I got angry with you over the stupidest things I would go “grrrr I hate you mummy!” and now I feel so much guilt, I cant stop thinking you passed away thinking I hated you, I love you mum as much I did when you were here.

When you got ill, we all thought you were going to get better, but then we were told to say goodbye :’(

That was the worst night of my life, looking down on you in that bed, you looked so fragile and I wanted, so bad, to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was going to be ok.

I held your hand and said my godbyes and that hurt so much the pain was unbearable.

The next day you were gone, 1 May 2003.

Most kids would run to thier mums when they were scared or worried, or just wanting a cuddle, but me and Hannah didnt have that through our teenage years, so we had to learn to be independant, but I wish you could be here to help me out when I need someone to talk to or a cuddle or just having a laugh with you like back in the old days.

What hurts the most is that you didnt live to see your grandaughters Melanie and Rosie, I wish I could tell you what beautiful girls they are and how proud I am of my nieces and I’m sure you would have been proud too and I wish you could be here to see me walk down the aisle, have my own children and have a happy life.

Hannah has your sense of humour and shes as feisty as you were and she defiantely has your ability to take no shit from anyone :)

Daniel has your sterness and discipline but he has your sense of humour too.

I think I have your caring side, always willing to help anyone whos in trouble, it took me a while to learn not to back down when people decided to make life hard for me though ahaa

I see you in Daniels and Hannahs faces, they’re both reminders of you and I’m so grateful you gave me a brother and a sister :)

It upsets me when people my age are so disrespectful to thier parents cuz they dont realize that as much as thier mums and dads may seem controlling and set out to ruin thier lives, its not true, they do that because they CARE and love thier kids, and those people probably wont realize what they have till thier gone.

Even though you’ll never read this (I doubt they have Facebook in the afterlife) its made me feel alot better and if the spirit world exists, I hope you can hear the words that are going through my mind while I’m writing :)

I love you and I miss you and I’m never ever going to forget you :)